Ask Amy: Spouses Live in a World of ‘No’

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Dear Amy: I have a question about marriage.

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I took a kind of “vow of silence” around my husband of 40 years.

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I am not giving him the “quiet treatment”. I will try to answer questions, make occasional benign remarks, and show my support.

He finds a way to deny practically anything I say.

Looking at the trees rustling in the breeze, I said, “The wind is light today.”

I want to be able to communicate frankly about that issue and other issues in our marriage.

I want to be able to share silly, fun thoughts and creative ideas.

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But when I say almost anything he responds with “No, it’s not…” or “No, you don’t…” or “That’s not the right way to look at it.”

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So when my husband often brings up my feelings against me, he will undoubtedly reply, “No, no.”

I feel that I live in a world of “no”.

To end a marriage after 40 years is self-destruction.

How can we encourage the same care and security within our company?

I want to break my vow of silence with the peace of mind that I won’t be rebutted immediately, but I’m at a loss as to how.

– Wordless wife

Dear Mute: If your husband’s ambivalent reactions are primarily limited to his interactions with you, it will appear that his deep-seated negativity expresses hostility towards you.

If he is prone to “Mr.” If he says no, then his animosity is directed at himself. He looks very unhappy.

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Avoidance is a natural reaction to being constantly shut down. In reality, you’re giving him the “silent treatment,” but it’s important to realize that you have a voice and are entitled to use it.

Try starting a conversation about the impact this is having on you. Using “I” language, such as “I’m sad that you react to me negatively,” can help him respond, “No, you don’t.” It’s silly and might get his attention.

There are many books and resources that offer ways to improve your communication. Therapy can help both of you make great progress. One of his books you might read is Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication by Mike Bechtle (Revell, 2017).

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Dear Amy: After my husband retired, he stopped taking a shower every day.

In fact, I’m lucky if he showers once a week.

He walks 5 miles every day for exercise and sweats profusely, but he doesn’t change his shirt.

I tried humor.

I also reassured him that it would not be a problem to wash a number of shirts.

We live in an open plan condo and burn candles and incense to improve the air.

Can you think of something more effective?

– Tortured Wife

Dear Victim: Wondering why your husband stopped taking showers? did you ask him Neglecting hygiene can be a sign of depression, but he sounds like he’s trying too hard to take care of himself.

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So why is he neglecting an important component of his self-care: hygiene?

If your body or clothes smell so bad that your partner is burning incense to try to soften the stench, it will start smelling like a deliberate hostile gesture.

You’ve been responding to your husband by waving your clean shirt in his direction as if he were an unpredictable bull. me!

Stop implying. You have the right to live with anyone willing to bathe.

You might say to him He says it’s a condition to live together. “

Dear Amy: Thank you for carrying out the letter from “A”.

I was also adopted, but this dream of meeting my perfect biological family continued until I met them.

– Thanks for hiring

Dear Thanks: Dreams sometimes have to be shattered before they can come true.