Divorce is a big “D” word that no one wants to think about in their marriage, but everyone knows that divorce can happen even for couples who were once happy and had a strong relationship.If you are suffering from your relationship-or you are rather someone who just wants to be Advance than Reactivity When it comes to your marriage, you may be wondering if there is anything that will help you and your partner to avoid divorce altogether.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, is known for his work on predicting divorce. After studying the thousands of couples discussed in his lab, he identified certain negative patterns that predict divorce. Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—That is, if they continue to appear in your marriage, you can be confident that you are heading to the divorce court.
But with knowledge, power is born. Once you know what these patterns are, you can recognize when and how they appear in your marriage. Rebecca PhillipsShare her thoughts on For Horseman, a licensed professional counselor, how to prevent those actions, appear better for your partner and yourself, and keep your marriage intact. ..
Criticism in marriage
“Critique is about expressing the judgment of others,” says Philips. “Critique is different from criticism or confrontation. The former is about attacking your partner’s character, while the latter involves dealing with the problem.
Phillips says criticism is devastating because it causes pain and discontinuity.
“Critique can be a vicious and chronic pattern that leads to other jockeys,” she says. “Defense, contempt, etc.”
The criticism is “Why do you put out such trash? You never do the right thing.” Or “I’m always trying to talk to you, and you never listen to me.”
To prevent criticism, Phillips says it is important to use the “I” statement rather than the “You” statement when engaging in conflicts and conflicts.
Instead of saying Try saying, “You never answer me. You are very uncaring for others.” “I’m worried when I don’t answer the phone or text.”Instead of saying Say, “You never stand up to your mother. You need to pay more attention to her opinion than I do.”
“Insults are essentially doing better than your partner,” says Philips. “It can be identified as despising your partner, ridiculing them, ridiculing them, calling their names, and using irony.
According to the Gottman Institute, Insult is the number one predictor of divorce.. “It generally happens when negative thoughts about a partner accumulate and begin to appear in a derogatory way,” says Philips.
The contempt sounds like this: “You really shouldn’t wear that outfit. Why can’t you put on normal clothes?” Or “You’re such an idiot. It doesn’t make sense.”
To prevent derogatory behavior, it is imperative that partners treat each other with respect and gratitude.
“What do you need to complain about? You sit back all day at office work and then just play games online. What a pity.” “It looks like you’ve had a tough day. I can relate. How can I make tonight better?”
Defensive power in marriage
“Defense often comes from criticism.” Phillips says.. “People are often defensive when they feel judged by their partners rather than encountering compassion and understanding.”
Not only does defense negate what your partner is trying to convey, she Say, it also guarantees that neither party can communicate with the other. The defense sounds like this, “Why are you told to wash the dishes? You know I spent a long day at work. You stay home all day. Why don’t you do that?”
Trade defense for non-defensive response, Phillips suggests.. To respond non-defensively, you need to listen to your partner’s perspective and take personal responsibility.
Instead of saying Try saying, “I always keep things away from you just because of how you react.” “I understand that you want me to be more open, and that doing so helps our relationship. About what we two need for better communication. Can you discuss it? “
“Stonewalls often occur when a partner is emotionally flooded and are a reaction to contempt.” Phillips says.. “Stonewall involves shutting down, withdrawing, or giving your partner a cold shoulder.”
According to Philips, jamming is an ineffective remedy. “By increasing the distance between partners and leaving problems untouched, it tends to be a destructive pattern of relationships. Stonewalls basically create wedges. Partners feel locked out of other partners. “
Stonewall does not appear to avoid eye contact, send text messages, call back, or pretend to be busy.Ignore their partner in the same room.
“When you’re emotionally flooded, it’s important to adjust your emotions.” Phillips says.. “Tell me that you need to calm down before you can continue the conversation, rather than shutting it down completely.”
Excluding that Go away, give a silent treatment, If you want to avoid eye contact or ignore your partner and engage in another task, tell them: A partner who wants to spend time gathering himself before continuing the conversation.
Pay attention to these four warning signs of divorce
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