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Ask Amy: Mom Worries About Exposing Cheating

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Dear Amy: I have been married to the same man for 52 years.

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36 years ago I had a child who was the product of an affair.

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I already had two boys when my third son was born.

My husband was away on a military tour when the incident happened.

I wanted a divorce but my husband was fighting for our relationship.

My child’s father was younger than me.

My husband accepted this child as his own.

When this son was two years old, his biological father died in a car accident.

His biological father had never seen my son. I never told her son that her husband was not her biological father.

I feel guilty not telling my son, but my husband is against it.

My other two sons know, but he doesn’t. He is 36 now.

should i talk to him? I feel guilty that he doesn’t know.

– Wishing

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Dear Hope: Yes, you should tell your son the truth about his biological parentage and provide him with information about his biological father.

This is probably hard for all of you, but the rest of the family knows this essential truth about your youngest son, and he deserves to know the truth, too.

People who learn the truth about their DNA later in life sometimes report that this knowledge has helped them fill gaps and answer long-held questions about their identity.

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Dear Amy: “Arlene” is a childhood friend. When her daughter “Lena” was born, I was asked to be her godmother to Lena. I was thrilled.

Over the years, we have celebrated Lena’s special day, visited her and tried to keep in regular contact. Even after they moved to the opposite coast.

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After Lena graduated from college, we made sure to meet at least once a year.

I have never had children of my own so this was important to me.

Lena had a baby with her partner last year. She and her small family have now moved closer to Arlene. Before they left I visited her and her baby and sent her gifts.

Arlene and I have drifted apart over the years. We don’t talk regularly, but we text each other on her birthdays and exchange her Christmas cards.

Last year, I received a holiday card from Arlene with a note that said, “This will be a milestone to celebrate Lena’s wedding.”

It’s a pity you weren’t invited! Lena is now in her 30s and a mature adult.

Disappointed that neither of them thought to call me or send me a specific note as a reason not to extend the invitation to this wedding, at least to provide an excuse of ‘immediate family only’. was hurt.

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How should I handle this?

I think it’s important that they know I’ve been hurt, but I want to set a noble example.

Should I send the wedding card/gift and wait a few weeks after the event to address the issue?

Should this be done by phone or by letter?

Should I address both separately or just contact the mother?

Or are you ignoring the wedding and letting it go, assuming your role and friendship are over?

– Godmother’s Dilemma

Dear Godmother: “Lena” is your granddaughter. It is she who will marry her. She dropped the ball and neglected to include or contact you.

Your relationships with both women are distant enough to drive you into an outer orbit, with very sparse contact.

As relationships ebb and flow over the years, the role of godparents can become tenuous. You have been a truly wonderful godparent over her 30+ years and have kindly offered your generosity to the next generation (Lena’s children).

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If you think it’s important to let these women know that you’ve hurt their feelings, you should tell them (individually) in a quick note.

Yes, sending a card to congratulate Lena on her wedding is fine, but don’t combine the two messages.

Dear Amy: A ‘middle stepmother’ reported that her stepson used condoms for contraception, but his girlfriend did not.

You contributed to her embarrassment by exercising her own choices.

Some women cannot use hormonal contraceptives. It can make them very sick.

This is her business and no one else’s.

– upset

Dear Upset: There are non-hormonal birth control methods available to women, and I agree that this is her choice.

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Ask Amy: Mom Worries About Exposing Cheating

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