Ask Amy: Adult Children Are Worried About Caring For The Elderly

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Dear Amy: I am a grown millennial. my parents are old. Unfortunately, I don’t have much in common with them.

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I live nearby and they want me to visit every week.

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They are disorganized and I like to be organized.

They don’t plan for the future, they live day to day.

They are always in debt while I am thrifty. The list goes on and on.

We have different hobbies and religion.

It’s tough. They are over 70 and I dread years of nursing care.

I am not alone in this situation.

How should grown children deal with parents who have little in common?

– Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: If you’re a parent, I hope my insight helps you reframe your reactions. If not, my thoughts may help convey your perspective on this issue.

The reason I bring this up is that the experience of parenting can give a useful perspective to the experience of bookends providing care for the elderly.

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A helpless infancy, a trying childhood, holding hands at the crosswalk, anxious nights, trips to the ER, soccer games, birthdays, vacations, most parents are always trying their best. Limited.

And if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to socialize full-time with people you have nothing in common with, I recommend spending four or five years raising a teenager.

Given your parents’ level of functioning, they may not be doing a great job of meeting the standards that most parents strive to achieve. Highly functional. They clearly care about you (and you probably care about them too).

Here’s how adults in functioning families should deal with aging parents. Be considerate and patient.

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Here’s how adults deal with aging parents. Be prepared for anxious nights, trips to the ER, holding hands at crosswalks, and more.

It is important to take care of yourself. This includes establishing boundaries, understanding that you cannot control or change them, and a very important level of being able to enjoy your time with them despite differences in temperament and lifestyle. This includes practicing compassionate distancing.

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Dear Amy: I dated a man 17 years older than me for 13 years.

I helped raise his daughter, who gave me beautiful grandchildren.

My ex and I were never in love. We had never done anything together and he was very emotionally abusive towards me.

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I left him for another man my age. I am madly in love with my partner.

My new love and my ex hate each other.

My new boyfriend says he will leave me once he gets in touch with his ex.

The problem is that I always feel guilty about leaving other relationships.

I’m worried about my ex-boyfriend’s feelings, and I’m going to talk to him in secret.

I’m sick of feeling guilty.

I’m tired of feeling obligated to my ex and I know it will ruin my current relationship.

Can you help me find a way to let go?

–K

Dear K: If you’re tired of this dynamic and ask me about it, I should be ready to let go.

Your guilt for leaving an abusive relationship is misplaced, but you haven’t actually left. Guilt is part of the abuse cycle. As long as guilt guides you, you keep cycling.

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You should ask yourself how this contact with an abusive ex can help. Are you really afraid to commit to a new love?

You are engaging in something of a “soft exit” from a previous relationship.

The modern version of demolition means disengagement on all platforms. Doing this will pave the way for a healthier and more honest relationship with the man you love.

Dear Amy: I was so disappointed in your response to “anxiety” that I wanted to greet my new neighbor with the note “I have severe social anxiety disorder…”. I have “some health problems”.

– upset

Dear Upset: I don’t think it’s in the person’s best interest to specifically talk to a stranger about their health.