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Your nervous system is responsible for how you discuss with your partner

Image of an article titled Your Nervous System is Responsible for How You Discuss With Your Partner Your nervous system is responsible for how you discuss with your partner

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If you are wondering why you and your partner are struggling to break the negative cycle of your relationship that often leads to conflict, you may be causing each other’s sympathetic nervous system. ..What is displayed first The dispute over who cooks is actually a situation in which our brains signal a potential danger.And your beloved partner has become your “enemy”.

Sara Melancon, Sociologists and clinical sexologists say Our response is From our genetic makeup to hack return Prehistoric When our nervous system developed in a world where lions, tigers, bears, and fighting tribes were a common threat.

“One of the main functions of the autonomic nervous system is to keep us safe,” explains Melancon. “Through a process of subconsciousness called neuroreception, our nervous system constantly scans the environment for signs of safety and danger. In addition, through a process called coregulation, our nervous system Understand the state of the nervous system of other people nearby. Without conscious consciousness, our nervous system tunes in to other people’s systems. “

For example, a known friendly face shows our social engagement system and helps us relax. o oOn the other hand, hostile faces from strangers show potential danger and activate our sympathetic f.ight-or-flAppropriate system to assist in escape or combat as needed.

In relationships, Melancon says we are always co-regulating with our partners.

“In general, our nervous system wants to be in the same state at the same time, so it helps us to feel intimate and connected. This can work for us and for us. That means we are more likely to feel happy when our partners are happy, but when they are upset, it is easy for us to be upset. In the same way. Unfortunately, this can be very difficult in the event of a conflict and can lead to unnecessary dramas. “

For example, a partner has unintentionally crossed boundaries. As a result, “they naturally feel angry and often activate the” fighting “mode of the sympathetic nervous system,” says Melancon. “Suppose another partner comes back from work and finds that his loved one is angry. Their system can easily be perceived as threatening it (the partner’s anger is justified). Within seconds, both partners can be defensive and squeeze into each other’s throat, only because of how the nervous system is wired to recognize safety and danger. is.”

How our nervous system affects our relationships

Our nervous system is complicated about who we are, So it is indelible in our relationships. Unfortunately, Dr. David HellfundAs a qualified psychologist specializing in couple therapy, neurofeedback, and brain mapping, our nervous system has not evolved to cope with the stress experienced in the modern world.

“Our nervous system is designed to handle life-and-death situations, but otherwise always contributes to the healthy functioning of our body. It is an emotional relationship. It wasn’t designed for stress, jealousy, work deadlines, or complex family dynamics, “says Hellfund... “Therefore, our nervous system responds to all relationships I feel stressed as if it were alive or dead. This reaction is even greater for people with anxiety and PTSD. Learning how to activate the relaxation response is one of the best ways to combat the otherwise primitive system, which is scheduled for serious updates. “

Know if you will fight, run away, freeze, become a fawn, tend to be, or become friends

When we encounter stressful situations in our relationship, the sympathetic nervous system determines how we respond to that stress.

“The stress responses of our sympathetic nervous system include fighting, escape, freezing, fawns, tendencies, and friendships.” Hellfund says. “Battle means you’re facing a threat and fighting back. I hope the flight can escape safely. Freeze is when you’re stunned and unable to move or react. Fawns are when you succumb to attackers and let them take over. Tendency means taking care of your loved ones when faced with a threat. Generally means a child. And befriend means using community resources and friends to fight threats. “

An example of an “escape” reaction is that if your partner raises their voice during a disagreement, you may shut down your emotions and leave to avoid conversation. If your response is a “fight”, you yell back and escalate the conflict. If your response is a “fawn”, you will submit it to your partner and say whatever you can to help calm them down. “Tendency” may mean checking in to the children first to see how the discussion affected them before responding to their partner. If you say “friends,” you can call your partner’s mother to relieve the situation.

according to Hellfund, A person’s reaction style is generally based on a combination of their genetics, modeled behaviors from parents and family, and their living experiences. “If you know early on that the fawn is the right response when your parents are yelling, they may later decide that it’s time to fight back. Based on the wiring of the base since childhood. It takes a lot of effort to get it back, where therapy and other forms of self-insight and practice can be very helpful. “

How to use this knowledge to improve your relationship

“Your brain strengthens the state you put it in, so if you tend to react in the reaction of the fight, it will take root deeper in you over time.” Hellfund says.. “So if you want to change your reaction, you have to gradually rewire your brain. The first step is awareness. You need to understand what your style is. The next step is Motivation. Understand how your response style hurt relationships and And you really want to change that. The next step is to change the behavior in stages. “

Hellfund suggests starting with a break if you find that your old reaction is trying to express itself. “Then we’ll identify how we want to respond and make one small change to go that route. Most people want radical and rapid change, but science is over time. It shows that the small changes that accompany it are more sustainable. “

Responding to conflicts may not be as important as it may be, but it’s a way to fix it later, and it’s important, says Hellfund. “Regardless of the default style, it’s important to have time to reconnect and process the experience so that you can repair the emotional damage caused by the battle.”

And to better to understand each other’s Nervous system reaction style, Hellfund encourages couples to talk about their physical experiences.

“As soon as we labeled our emotions and experiences, we somehow intellectualized them,” he says. “”MeIf you say, “During our final discussion, I noticed that my shoulders became stiff, my chin felt like rocks, and my knees bent.” It’s you. It is such an emotional depiction of the fawn’s reaction and helps to create intimacy by letting others actually see and experience the reaction of your nervous system to the conversation. “

Coordinating your nervous system with your partner can help Both of you will deactivate and approach your stress response.

“Every brain has a system of mirror neurons. These neurons try to imitate the emotional and physical states of the person with whom we interact. This is known as sympathy. We are them. It feels like it’s also a powerful tool to help couples coordinate with each other. ” Hellfund says. “”There are some great studies on co-breathing couples, for example. When we synchronize our breathing with a loved one, it generally creates a sense of connection, empathy, and other inefficient features that cause deeper love between the two. Synchronizing your nervous system with your partner and adjusting yourself are two of the most powerful ways to live a fulfilling life together. “

Your nervous system is responsible for how you discuss with your partner

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