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Pete McMartin: caught up in the toilet paper mystery

Opinion: Why did people believe toilet paper was a necessary necessity to survive the end times? Does toilet paper represent the last shred of normalcy they need to hold onto?

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My life with toilet paper:

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1. When the COVID-19 pandemic first started, like many people worried about possible shortages, I drove to the nearest hypermarket. There, I was greeted by the sight of enthusiastic shoppers returning to their cars, cradling a few bales of toilet paper awkwardly like a parent trying to cling to a writhing child. .

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Some of them had an enthusiastic look in their eyes, as if fleeing another toilet paper hoard inside claiming 3-ply with the help of AR-15. rice field. Some looked relieved and in disbelief, like the Titanic passengers who were able to board one of her lifeboats.

Why toilet paper? Indeed, when the apocalypse is looming, the first stop for any sane person at the grocery store is the meat section, and a standing rib roast can be bought for less than the price of a new car. The land is a massive plunder of wine aisles.

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But toilet paper? Why did they believe it was a necessary necessity to survive the end of life? Does toilet paper represent the last shred of normalcy they need to hold on to? , spoke to some sort of anal-holding urge to maintain some degree of control?

I couldn’t think of a good reason then or now. Eventually, though, depressing stretches of empty grocery store shelves began to fill, toilet paper and sanity returned.

But now, buy a standing rib roast and do your best.

2. Like stacking dishwashers, using toilet paper is one area where marital tensions intersect. For example, when my wife piles up the dishwasher, it looks as if a vandal broke it. Who would toss their knives, forks, and spoons into the dishwasher instead of first separating them into their respective cutlery baskets? Insane person!

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My wife, on the other hand, berates me for pulling the toilet paper core twice and then stuffing it. This is a habit of mine, but to her it is a sign of the capricious extravagance that brought down the Roman Empire. The fact that we have months’ worth of toilet paper in her house doesn’t seem to matter to her. Once a day, a man could get enough solitude that he could do a New York Times crossword puzzle in private, say, for an hour and a half.

3. My grandchildren are young enough that a roll of toilet paper is still an object of fascination rather than a means to an end. Not because I discovered it, or because I found a lot of toilet paper clogged, or because my grandson used the toilet paper. Because I wanted to test my patience as well as the absorbency of toilet paper.

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And recently, during the few weeks my granddaughter was with us, I woke up every morning to find a perfect square of toilet paper on the floor next to the toilet bowl, and a small torn piece of toilet paper nearby. I was. Its square, as if its small pieces were the moon orbiting the planet. Everything my granddaughter does fascinates me, and it fascinated and unnerved me because I even wondered if I should contact a child psychologist.

Four. Every time I go to dinner at another couple’s house and find the edges of the toilet paper neatly folded, I wonder if I’m (a) envious of their attention to detail, (b) baffled by it, or (c ) wondering how long the marriage will last given that at least one person in the relationship is clearly too tight.

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Five. Speaking of marriage, while dining with a neighbor, my husband asked me if I unrolled the toilet paper from the inside or the outside. I thought it strange that he brought up this topic. However, he was enamored with the subject and believed in the way the way they rolled said something about their personalities.

This may or may not be true depending on what you believe on the internet. That’s where I found an informal survey done by “relationship expert” Gilda Karl. He is the author of the book “Don’t lie on your back for a man who doesn’t have you.”

Carle surveyed 2,000 people and asked them if they described themselves as “dominant” or “submissive,” and also asked if they rolled toilet paper up or down. We found that there is an overwhelming correlation between “dominant” rolling up and “submissive” rolling down. From this, Karl believes that a household with her two dominant over-rollers can lead to conflict, and a household with her two submissive under-rollers will lead to nothing getting done. Guessed.

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Interestingly, my husband told me that I was overdoing it while having dinner with my neighbors. His wife said neither, but she must have gone too far with her too. Because years later, disputes followed, divorce ensued, and their life together fell through.

mcmartincharles@gmail.com


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Pete McMartin: caught up in the toilet paper mystery

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