How to set boundaries with mom

Relationships with our mother can be complicated. Even if you have a close relationship with your mom, you may have thought, “Don’t call me every day” or “I hate feeling guilty about my choices.” Or “I don’t like my mother interfering with my personal life.”

If you have experienced these feelings before, you are not alone. Even adults generally suffer from autonomy and separation when it comes to how they interact with their mother... While resenting at the same time, you may still look for her approval. Or she may have a hard time telling her what she needs. For example, you may want her to listen to you rather than give her advice or criticism, but you may not know how to convey your feelings to her.

This is where creating boundaries comes into play.

“Boundaries are an important life skill that is essential for building healthy relationships, including communicating your needs by verbally asserting yourself, The same is true for the various actions that set limits through actions. ” Dr. Amelia KellyA therapist who is familiar with trauma, What I want to know: Survive and prosper after an abusive relationship.. “An example of a boundary set by an action is to choose not to receive a call at dinner after previously telling that you cannot speak at dinner.”

When it comes to establishing boundaries with your mother, Kelly calls it a “complex effort”, but it is “more important” when trying to establish your own sense of self.

“Children are always thinking about boundaries with their mothers, but at the beginning of adulthood, more dramatic boundaries begin to be established,” she says. “Choosing a life goal different from your mother, away from home, is an important part of understanding who you are. Another common example of where boundaries are needed is in life. It includes choosing a partner, deciding on a career and where you want to live, and choosing personal values. Spirituality and political affiliation. “

Depending on the growth dynamics of you and your mother, Kelly says some of these options will match your mother, but others may differ dramatically. “When this happens, we need boundaries so that we can feel respected as an individual.”

According to experts, if you are not well balanced with your mother and want to start setting boundaries with your mother, you need to know the following:

Boundary benefits

according to Dr. Carla ManlyCalifornia-based psychologist, Joy from fear: Create your dream life by making fear your friend, There are many benefits to setting boundaries at physical, mental and emotional levels.

“When we have solid boundaries, we can express our feelings and allow others to express our feelings. Also, with clear boundaries, we can express our feelings. We can express our personality in a healthy way. “

To be clear, Manly says healthy emotional boundaries help Others know our needs. Setting clear boundaries reduces confusion and enhances personal empowerment. “Good boundaries also provide a physical space where we can feel safe and secure.”

Why it’s important to have a border with your mother

In order to build a healthy relationship, it is important to clarify the boundaries with the mother. Manly says: “In the absence of healthy boundaries, emmeshing (unhealthy emotional fusion that impedes personalization) often occurs. In the absence of healthy boundaries between mother and child, emotional and even emotional. Lack of physical separation can occur. “

For example, if a mother does not allow her child to have her own thoughts on relationships, she may grow up and model rather than develop patterns of her relationships. .. Own. In some cases When it comes to general beliefs, there are no healthy boundaries between mothers and children. Political or religious issues, etc.If her mother does not allow her Children exploring them My beliefs, children Limited to their mirror image Mothers, not them My person.

Another example, Manly saysIf the mother believes The child will be destined to please the person because her child must be pleasing and will not allow them to learn and state their needs. In addition, some mothers use financial means to put pressure on their adult children.

“In these cases,” says Manly.Mothers may use finances as a way to break into the boundaries of an adult child and force the adult child to engage in certain behaviors. “

In another example, the mother became overly involved in parenting practices and became overly involved. become Invasive and hinders daughter’s way Parents are their children.

In more serious cases, especially those who come from an unfavorable childhood and do not have a healthy bond with their mother, Kelly says we need tighter boundaries to protect ourselves From further psychological abuse or manipulation.

“Just because someone is your mother doesn’t mean they are healthy for you,” says Kelly. “”And you have the right to seek distance, and sometimes to practice radio silence and break the relationship altogether. “

How to set boundaries with mom

Setting boundaries with moms can sound daunting and stressful, Kelly, there is a way to establish boundaries It helps maintain positive dynamics and relationships.

“Start by being open. She doesn’t know what you don’t tell her,” says Kelly. “”Unless you express your desires and needs She cannot adjust her behavior. For some, Writing letters and emails is a good way to start a conversation, as it is difficult to talk directly to someone whose opinions are too meaningful. “

She also has her input, effort, And what she has provided to you in the past.

“Creating a space between mother and child is healthy, but it can also cause intense emotions. Expressing gratitude can be an open opposition to the mother or a distance from yourself. But it helps to remind you how much you care about your relationship with your mother. “

When it comes to establishing boundaries with your mother or someone in your close circle, Manly recommends knowing that your needs are first. Once you know your needs You can express it calmly and clearly.

“In general, the best script for setting boundaries is very simple and easy,” she says. “When new boundaries are set, it can take time for others to respect clear and healthy boundaries.”

Here Here are some examples of sound scripts for boundary settings.

1. “Respect my boundaries on this issue. It is important for me and my personal well-being that you respect my needs.”

2. “I understand that you are not used to setting boundaries for me, but I know that respect for my boundaries is important for my well-being. You are me. Please respect my wishes, knowing that you care about. “

3. “I feel very despised when my boundaries are ignored. It is important for you to respect my needs for my personal well-being and the health of our relationship. is.”

Similarly, adding a heartfelt “I love you” often makes it easier for mothers to set boundaries that are more acceptable.

Why can you find it so difficult to establish boundaries with your mom

It may be easier to set boundaries with colleagues and close friends, but it can be difficult when it comes to setting boundaries with mothers. Kelly says there is a good reason for that.

“When we get close to someone, It can be difficult to establish boundaries, “she says. “”This is due to an investment in relationships. The more we invest, the more we are at risk if the relationship worsens. Our mother can be our biggest cheerleader, They can also be our greatest critic. Often they know us better than anyone, for that reason, They tend to have more opinions about how we live our lives. “

that is Why it’s me■ It is even more important to establish boundaries with your mother. because, When we have a healthy boundary with our mother, Kelly says: If boundaries are not respected, it can be difficult to feel safe to express yourself. And many will find that the relationship is suffering. “