Ask Amy: Cohabiting couples need to clean up the mess

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Dear Amy: I will be moving in with my boyfriend in a few months. He is everything I ever wanted in a partner and I am thrilled to move into the small one bedroom condo he owns.

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We’ve been spending most nights there since we started dating a year ago.

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I have only one concern…he is incredibly messy.

We’re talking piles of laundry everywhere, overflowing trash, and food that’s been months past its expiration date in the fridge.

I am quite the opposite. I like everything neat and tidy. I know I’ll need a much cleaner space to live comfortably there.

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What’s the correct way to deal with this? And when is the right time to do so?

I am especially conscious of the fact that I am moving to his place. Now, when I spend the night, I’m technically still his guest.

I’ve already done some cleaning, but at this point I feel like I can’t be too critical about the pile of laundry and the leftovers.

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I tried to raise it. I don’t want him to be put on the defensive, especially in his own home, but things definitely need to change.

– Clean up!

Dear Clean!: The best time to deal with these living conditions would have been when the two were hot to trot and en route to having sex for the first time in his bachelorette pad.

Here’s the script:

HE: Open his condo door.

You: “No. No no no no.”

Him: “What’s wrong?”

You: “I don’t feel comfortable here.”

Considering this didn’t happen, your blunt honesty would have been well expressed until the fifth time you decided to have sex in his apartment.

Instead, he chose to continue spending the night there, without honestly expressing how unacceptable (for you) this was, so that he wouldn’t have to do anything that he believes you are basically cool with his lifestyle. There is a reason.

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And now you said yes to moving. Further confirm with him that you are probably on the same page.

You shouldn’t move in together until it’s clear: Whose house will it be? If you live together, you shouldn’t continue to believe that you are a “guest.” And if you’ve been a guest all along, take a good look around. This is how he welcomes guests into his home.

If you “absolutely need to change”, you should thoroughly establish this before committing to move in.

This shouldn’t be passed on as an ultimatum, but as you state the simple truth, “I don’t want to live like you. It’s too messy and dirty for me.”

He (not you) can make suggestions on how to deal with this (coordinate his actions, hire a cleaner, or perhaps even pay you for the cleaning). It’s up to you to be honest.

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Dear Amy: My husband and I were invited to a friend’s house for takeout dinner.

I asked what to bring and she asked for a bottle of wine and dessert.

When we arrived with dessert and two bottles of wine, she wanted us to pay part of the takeaway.

We’ve brought them in for takeout before and didn’t expect them to pay.

Once, when I had dinner at a house, the guest served the main course, and I was shocked and didn’t know what to say.

We paid them for our food and I am really disgusted that they treated us like this.

When she invited us to dinner, she should have told me she wanted us to pay and we could have declined the invitation.

I don’t know how to handle this.

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– Meal and Dash

Dear Dinner: Your friend seems to owe you some of the wine and dessert you provided.

You can tell your friends about this, but it should primarily be used as a reminder for your friends next time they host. I don’t consider this to be “disgusting” behavior, but it’s obvious.

Dear Amy: Kudos from this reader for your exemplary response to your uncle’s “J in NY,” which seemed too focused on “refusing” his infant nephew to hug him.

Children should be able to decide for themselves whether they want to submit to any kind of physical contact.

– appreciated

Dear Thanks: The majority of readers supported me. Thank you very much.